the dumps :P

 yeah, lets spend some time bukas nag iisa. :))))))

 I am staring at the clock that betrays me by saying 5:47am XDD what in the world!! I got up, got dressed, cleaned my room, brushed my hair, turned on my machine, just for me to stare at this number. I was thinking that I was a little tired but thought past it lmao. wow time to go back to sleep i guess

I think I'm coming down in a sadness type way

I just want to let everything out, it's been a while.

 late night realisations but it's realizing why he freaked out on me commenting on his new post. #theothergirl #yaymylife bwahahhaahshsahhahhhafawehlajwherivjwerwerwewtf oh how naive i was lmao

You told me once that I was crazy and I said BABY GIRL I KNOWW

  me rn aiiiihiaiaiaiaoooooooo

I think it's disturbing enough that my most listened to artist is d4vd, a singer who recently has been involved in a case of being in a romantic relationship with a 14 year old girl, and killed and dismembered her, and left said dismembered body in the frunk of his Tesla. It's crazy that even 5 months later, he hasn't even been arrested, everything's quieting down but it's a disturbing case to look at. Naturally, everyone has boycotted him and stopped promoting his music, and then there's me heeehhh. Yeah I still very much love his music, his album WITHERED is a repeat for me. There's lots of ties to the girl Celeste in all of his music, he includes a lot of gore in his themes, and stalker like stuff (is this why I relate?) I realize that the reason people connect with music so much is because you can sing the things you can't say. Think about the recurring theme of "I'm with this new girl but when I'm kissing her I think about you", th...

 This'll probably exist in 30+ years time. Will I read it still? Probably not. This is like a junkyard of barely arranged thoughts. It's why I made the dumps a seperate blog because my original blog page was getting corrupted with stream of conciousness thoughts. The million dollar question: Are you good? Yeah. I'm good. XD

I keep forgetting why I haven't reached out to Francis. Here's why Amy :) Your friendship was going pretty well, talking every night, calling, hanging out, but in recent weeks it has changed. You gave it all of 1 week and 4 days to realize that things weren't going back. These changes include: He was back at school, so every night he was unresponsive because he was tired. Any time I would mention something about me, which had become a rare occurrence by itself, he wouldn't put in any effort to ask me about it or say anything apart from "oh I see", this makes it hard to make conversation with him when he is unresponsive. Left me on delivered for 24 hours. Tried to hangout with him, he's tired again, I was very close to his area. It didn't bring me much joy talking to him. All of his messages weirdly contained something about his sleep or being tired. He kept falling asleep on me. "some fals alarm woke us all up, I'm so tired" "I just ...

I have to sit in this seat for another 12 hours ahhhh. My brain is already giving up on me, I thought 8 hours was enough sleep but maybe notss. I'm just yawwwwnning as I write this. Mmm. Right now I feel like going to bed and bingewatching the tv show never have I ever until I fall asleep. I started watching that show last year around May but haven't watched since, there's parang 4 seasons now. pero i feel a little bad for not reaching out to my friend, (my frieeendd, my frieend, what is it meme), and hope he is not offended but I feel like I am doing good and just want to have peace in my life, so if I feel good and he's okay then yeah I feel okay. Sunday I learn that I'm not into the social online scene of content creation, tiktoks, and online status, it's just fake, it's hard, and I realised just how geared instagram is into hooking you and your time and plaueging your mind. They want you to scroll, they want to show you pretty people, they want you to co...

  mental health wise, 10/10 concerning

I don't want to sing your stupid breakup songs I can't fix what was broken by another set of hands.

 sitting here missing ur stupid face

I'm going to keep this post open for a while, and see how it changes for me overtime. Rn the meaning of life for me is to find meaning in life.

It's okay to be sad when your relationship with someone you loved and cared about is no longer the same, and it's normal too. Some circumstances just can't accomodate your friendship and understanding that it's not an either either situation is alot. Even some of my bestest friends I'm no longer talking to, and that doesn't mean I think badly of them, I smile back on the memories and appreciate that window of time where the universe allowed us to be friends. Sometimes you get more attached to a friend and it's even more painful when the universe takes them away, but just as friendships phase out they can also phase back in. You don't have to be bitter or salty, when you never know what people are going through. It's okay to let someone go knowing that they may have meant so much to your life at one point. It's like John greens question "does the love of someone in your past still carry you today?". He acknowledges how this person is no ...

 the way my brain cannot concentrate or focus right now is killing me. I don't know if it stems from the phone or francis or both haha. last night I got a lil mad at kyla and fell asleep and then proceeded to have the vividest dreams ever so apparently by my watch standards I didn't get much sleep which is probably why my brain still feels fuzzy. am i going to reach out to him tonight? probably. Is he going to be low effort and sad? probably. Is he grieving over his ex right now? also probably BWHAHAA

PLEASE STOP GETTING ME TO SING YOUR BREAKUP SONGS FOR YOU 🤣🤣🤣 update, one more for the rounds: y'all, really XD

Bwhahahahshdhfbruthrjrjkrkrje wtfffff naw I just feel like this whenever I send a 1minute video of me singing an intimate breakup song to a guy who doesn't even talk to me anymore 😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 HSHAHAHASHSH

 so so proud of myself. like i have forgotten this part of myself and i was just watching the video of me dancing with the chapel downs youth, and i just find this small hope in myself of everything i have done for myself in the past, and everything i accomplished, but especially with the help of others. i did that, i chose that for myself, I HAVE FREE WILL Y'ALL

 Yk if this was a tactic to keep me around, it's working. I can't leave someone when I know they're hurting. But at the same time, technically I don't owe him anything. I'm not some long time best friend, or his gf, or his relative, I'm just a random 16 year old who happened to cross paths with him. Alas gang, I still care. So we haven't really been talking consistently lately, and i kinda assumed it was him acting up again or whatever so it's like I went through a whole another "letting him go" phase, but last night i did have a small text conversation with him, although it did feel like I was talking to a block wall most of the time. (context he reached out to say that his screen was finally fixed on his phone) him: i can check my schedule now me: you couldn't before? him: I couldn't and I was stressed abt it me: I see, yeah I can imagine you have a lot on your plate right now. me: are you still stressed? him: kind off me: are you sle...

I feel like a carefree happy tourist for the first time, like I'm experiencing everything with new eyes. So much I haven't seen!

and I am, one piece at a time, for god will be my light to guide me in the diary